What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:19
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He knew the spot.
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My family never makes their pension either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Have you ever been forced to undress for money just once?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
How did my ex move on very fast?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She married twice! .
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I waited trembling.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She found it foreign!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It was going to be , some day.
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I said to her
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ive learnt so much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .